"You should start a blog."

"You should start a blog! About being a nanny and living in Chicago! Not that you have time... but still!" 

Ha, she's right- I don't have much time but I think this might be something I should make time for. Life is crazy. Not just for working Mom's- for everyone! Days seem to fly by before I even realize they're gone. 

I'm paranoid. I worry nonstop. About EVERYTHING. Constantly. I've always been this way- but the past 2 yrs have been hell. I've started getting panic attacks. My mind's racing all the time. I've started making lists- it's one of my few comforts. I worry about dying pretty much on a daily basis. I see anything as a threat- my brain immediately jumps to the worst possible scenario's. 

I am pretty much always up and gone before my family wakes up. I try to set out their clothes for the day, get their breakfast and lunches prepared and leave a note wishing them a good day. If this isn't done, I worry extra all day long. In my mind I feel like if I do all of this and for some reason don't come home from work they will somehow be okay. I know that doesn't make any sense but it helps soothe my anxiety. 

I am in my early 20's- there is NO reason I should be worrying so much about death. This isn't NORMAL- and remember I strive to be normal. And... I don't like feeling like this. I want to stop. But, regardless of what people say... I can't just STOP. It isn't that easy. If I could turn it off I WOULD. 

I have no idea where this blog is heading- I may take it in a completely different direction and come back to delete all these personal posts... I don't want any of my friends or family to see this. They wouldn't understand. They are selfish, stubborn JERKS most of the time. They would twist all my words to be negative and hateful towards them... not taking my words for what they are: MY FEELINGS.

I need somewhere to put all of these feelings before I explode or completely break down. Life hasn't been fair to me. It isn't fair to anyone. But somehow I have got to MOVE on from the past and start my future. My son deserves that.