Now, this is where things get complicated. Let's go back to the beginning....
He basically lied to me. He told me he was living with his best friend and his best friend's sister. What he didn't tell me? He used to date the sister and only became friends with her brother after he moved from Chicago to Florida to be with her. After a few weeks of living with her, he knew he wasn't happy and tried to break up with her, a few times- but she didn't take him seriously and always forced herself back on him within a few days. When he met me on Valentines Day- he broke up with her. Yes, on Valentines Day. But again, she didn't take him seriously and tried to get back with him. He would ignore her but I'm sure more went on than I know. By the time I found most of this out, we were already pregnant. I struggled with a lot of it. Should I break up with him for something he did when we weren't even serious???
That was all before THE ACCIDENT. And remember, I said it changed everything.
He got in the accident with HER. Do you have any idea how hard that was on ME? Yeah, ok they got in an accident and almost died. I walked into the Intensive Care Unit and asked for his room, the nurse smiled up at me and said, "Sure I think he's with his girlfriend." My eyes narrowed and I shook my head, "I'M his girlfriend." She was in his room. She and I had only met one time- a few weeks before I moved out of the house right down the street from his, I walked to his apartment not knowing she really even existed remember? I thought she was just the sister. I couldn't understand why she was so angry with me... then I began seeing text messages in his phone from her and I asked him what was going on. I think he told me she liked him but he wasn't into her. I shoved her out of my mind until they got in the accident together and then I knew they had probably been dating.
I gave him a choice. Them or Me. He chose me- not even so much that we were 'so' in love, but they were all so angry with him for getting into the accident. The ex girlfriend's (who we'll call A) dad and brother's mom were furious. (He has been driving B's car when he crashed, drunk.... on his way home from getting more beer and cigarette's for the party- as he was the only one over 21 at the time.) The Parents accused him of trying to kill their daughter and threatened to kill him. Thankfully there were on vacation at the time, or they might have done it. They're nuts.
So he moved in with my mom. I bought him a new wardrobe- he lost everything when they 'kicked him out'. But he still talked to both A and B. And I'll admit, I was furious he spoke to that girl. We had countless fights over her. I could not understand why he couldn't just leave her alone! There was nothing sexual between them, I knew that! He saw her as a friend, but I knew she still had feelings for him. It bothered me so much, but there was nothing I could do.
When we found out we were pregnant.... I was so confused. A & I had found a common ground weeks before- I had told my boyfriend that if he was going to talk to her, so was I. He was pissed but really had no choice. The day he was arrested for an unknown warrant (from the accident) she was the only one to help me get him out. While at her house trying to scrounge bail money to get him out of jail, $180 was stolen out of my backpack. It was B- my boyfriend's so called BEST FRIEND, remember?
A was one of the first people to find out we were expecting. We had lost our apartment when he lost his job... and we didn't know what to do. I ended up moving in with friends and he.... crashed in her living room. I know what you're thinking- are you crazy? Yeah, I probably was. I trusted him- which I probably shouldn't have. But to this day I will say I do not think ANYTHING happened between them after The Accident. It was over after that. She may not have wanted it to be, but it was.
I hate talking bad about her- she has been such a good friend to me. That may not make sense to some, but she was one of the few there for me during my pregnancy. She did more for me through my pregnancy than my boyfriend did. She brought me food- whatever I wanted- bought outfits and took me to Doctor appointments. My boyfriend was unemployed through most of the pregnancy so she felt responsible for me. I don't know why, but I was so thankful for her. If not for her and my mom, I may not have made it through.
We had a complicated relationship. A lot of jealousy between us, and it took a long time for that to die off. She is still one of my closest friends even though we love across the country. We talk pretty much every day. I'm so thankful for her friendship. I understand why my boyfriend couldn't just let that go- although they rarely speak now.
So do I think they messed around a few times before The Accident after I moved, absolutely. Do I forgive him? It's taken time, but yes. Do I trust him NOW? With everything I have. Things were so different then. We had just started dating-- he had known that family for years and felt like they had done so much for him... he was brainwashed, I swear. A is the only normal one out of the entire family, not quite sure how that happened but I'll explain more in Chapter Five.
You may be reading this thinking, "Wow this girl's an idiot." I was. I really was. But, the day I moved from Florida to Chicago to separate myself from all the bullshit in Chapter Five & that man followed me I PUT IT ALL BEHIND ME. The past is the past. We started completely new when we moved and it was the best damn thing we've ever done. It hasn't always been easy, but it's sure as hell been worth it.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
My "Brother" - My Best Friend
When I lived with my dad in High School, I met one of my brother's friends & he just so happened to be involved in Theater like I was. We would ride the Early bus together & usually stay late for clubs and ride the Late bus home together. I had a little bit of a crush on him... I don't think I knew what FRIENDSHIP felt like. I "liked" any guy I was friends with pretty much.
We began to really talk. I confided in him more than anyone else in High School. I never told him the whole truth, and still to this day haven't told him most of what I've written on this blog. He would probably bring my father back to life so he could kill him himself. And he talked to me. He told me things he has probably never told anyone else.
He lived with his aunt because his mother is mentally retarded and couldn't care for him anymore. We both felt abandoned. In a way, we held onto each other.
When he started driving, he would give me rides to and from school. After about a yr my "crush" on his faded and he became more like a brother. We are close. We will always be close.
I'm not sure if he will ever forgive me for moving away. I didn't even tell him I was leaving, I just left. He was so angry with me. Then when I got pregnant I thought he was going to drive down to drag me home.
He tells me to move home every single day. If only it were that easy...
He started dating a girl about 2 yrs ago. I hated her. I didn't trust her. Not because I was jealous- she wasn't good enough for him. But I bit my tongue, and supported his decisions. I'll never forget the day I got that phone call.
'I'm going to be a Daddy.'
My heart broke. This wasn't the plan for him. He was supposed to do better than me. He was supposed to succeed for both of us. But they were happy, they were going to get married. Until he got the text message...
'I'm moving back in with my parents.'
No explanation. She just wanted to move home. He let her. He stood back and let her leave- what choice did he have? It took her 10 days to actually move out. She barely spoke to him the remainder of her pregnancy and his son doesn't have his last name. He is not allowed to take his son out of her home, and has to go there each day to visit with him.
This man works at a DAYCARE. He has his own apartment. We even threw him a baby shower to make sure he had what needed to take care of his son.
He wants her back. He's never gotten over her. And they will try again- for the baby's sake. And she will leave and break his heart all over again. And there's nothing I can do but support his decisions....
My husband read a text conversation between us last night and is freaking out. He thinks we are having an affair.
I'm homesick. I'm lonely. I love my life in Chicago, I really do. I love my job and our new house. But... I'm not really HAPPY here. I'm sorry but I'm not. I wonder if I will be truly happy ANYWHERE?
I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss having more than just my in laws around when I need help. I miss stopping by Nana's for dinner, Holidays with MY side of the family, friends around all the time. I miss being HOME.
We can't go there. I know that. It would never work. But, doesn't mean I can't wish right? So why is he upset that I WISH I could go home? How can be mad about the way I FEEL?
So because we discussed we miss each other we must be sleeping together? That doesn't make any sense.
I HATE MEN.
We began to really talk. I confided in him more than anyone else in High School. I never told him the whole truth, and still to this day haven't told him most of what I've written on this blog. He would probably bring my father back to life so he could kill him himself. And he talked to me. He told me things he has probably never told anyone else.
He lived with his aunt because his mother is mentally retarded and couldn't care for him anymore. We both felt abandoned. In a way, we held onto each other.
When he started driving, he would give me rides to and from school. After about a yr my "crush" on his faded and he became more like a brother. We are close. We will always be close.
I'm not sure if he will ever forgive me for moving away. I didn't even tell him I was leaving, I just left. He was so angry with me. Then when I got pregnant I thought he was going to drive down to drag me home.
He tells me to move home every single day. If only it were that easy...
He started dating a girl about 2 yrs ago. I hated her. I didn't trust her. Not because I was jealous- she wasn't good enough for him. But I bit my tongue, and supported his decisions. I'll never forget the day I got that phone call.
'I'm going to be a Daddy.'
My heart broke. This wasn't the plan for him. He was supposed to do better than me. He was supposed to succeed for both of us. But they were happy, they were going to get married. Until he got the text message...
'I'm moving back in with my parents.'
No explanation. She just wanted to move home. He let her. He stood back and let her leave- what choice did he have? It took her 10 days to actually move out. She barely spoke to him the remainder of her pregnancy and his son doesn't have his last name. He is not allowed to take his son out of her home, and has to go there each day to visit with him.
This man works at a DAYCARE. He has his own apartment. We even threw him a baby shower to make sure he had what needed to take care of his son.
He wants her back. He's never gotten over her. And they will try again- for the baby's sake. And she will leave and break his heart all over again. And there's nothing I can do but support his decisions....
My husband read a text conversation between us last night and is freaking out. He thinks we are having an affair.
I'm homesick. I'm lonely. I love my life in Chicago, I really do. I love my job and our new house. But... I'm not really HAPPY here. I'm sorry but I'm not. I wonder if I will be truly happy ANYWHERE?
I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss having more than just my in laws around when I need help. I miss stopping by Nana's for dinner, Holidays with MY side of the family, friends around all the time. I miss being HOME.
We can't go there. I know that. It would never work. But, doesn't mean I can't wish right? So why is he upset that I WISH I could go home? How can be mad about the way I FEEL?
So because we discussed we miss each other we must be sleeping together? That doesn't make any sense.
I HATE MEN.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Chapter Four
When I was 15 my best friend and I got arrested for shop lifting. From that moment on my father had real reason to hate her other than the fact she was forcing me to grow up. She gave me make up, loaned me clothes and we talked to boys! *GASP!* So I wasn't allowed to talk to her- so I did it in secret, of course.
After I moved out I would see her when I could and we eventually made friends to go see my mom for the summer between Junior and Senior year. My mom bought our tickets and her parents said it was fine. The people I was living with were encouraging my relationship with my mom but cautious of my friend because of what my dad had told them. They told my grandmother my plans and she told my dad, who flipped out. He did everything he could to stop it and eventually succeeded in getting me kicked out from the house I was staying at.
I went to stay with my best friend as soon as school was out. I was happy! I was back where I belonged. But I knew my dad would never let me live there, I had no choice but move cross country with my mom. My best friend and I flew down together and she stayed for 3 weeks. Watching her leave was a mixture of emotions. My heart was breaking, not knowing when I would see her again and part of me wishing I could go with her. Another part of me was ready for a fresh start. Then another part of me was numb to the fact I had walked out on 3 years of hard work at my old school. I left without a word. I was going to start over at a brand new school for my SENIOR year of High School.
I found a new church within weeks of moving. It helped me make friends before starting school in the fall. But when I went to school, they told me the requirements were different between states and I would have to go 2 more years instead of 1 to finish with Honors like I had planned. WHAT! I was advised to withdraw and begin home schooling under the curriculum of my previous school- there went my Senior year. I hadn't been allowed to go to my Junior prom and now wouldn't go to any Senior prom, walk at graduation or do anything I had so looked forward to. I was heart broken. But I did what I had to do. I was going to graduate.
I did a semester of classes online. I made straight A's. Right before Thanksgiving, something went wrong with my mom's business and we lost our house. My mom's boyfriend had turned into an asshole a few weeks before- mainly out of jealousy that I had moved in? So I ended up renting a room at a random lady's house. I got a job serving at a local restaurant and continued working on my classes.
Right after New Years I was informed I could take the GED anytime and finish classes all together. WHAT? I wasn't getting my GED, I was getting a Diploma- RIGHT? No, wrong. I was taking GED Prep classes via the states virtual school. I quit classes immediately. No point in wasting any more of my time. I would just take the GED when I could...
I ended up meeting a guy at work. We really hit it off. This was my 1st boyfriend! The people I lived with had a 16 year old daughter- who was pregnant. And they were terrified of me getting pregnant in their house. WE WEREN'T EVEN HAVING SEX! They just made life very awkward. It became quite clear it was time for me to move out. After a huge blow out I moved in with a couple from church and stopped seeing my boyfriend. We still talked on the phone almost daily and saw each other maybe 4 times in 2 months. I knew he was probably cheating on me, but I didn't think we were going to last so I didn't really care.
He got into a car accident and spent 10 days in the hospital. Everything changed after that. We knew we wanted to be together. We knew he couldn't go back to the party house he was staying at and he couldn't stay with me! So my mom let him stay with her- I couldn't stay there because I was relying on the bus to get to work and there was no bus where my mom lived. So I would go over there on weekends. Our relationship got more serious with every passing day and we eventually started having sex. I got on the pill and figured I had nothing to worry about-- right??
After a few weeks we bought a car and got our own apartment. He got a job and life was going good. He was on probation for the car accident (DUI) and lost his license. That complicated things but we made it work. Then, he was fired from his job after they accused him of stealing. Since he was on probation he didn't fight it and just walked away. Right after he lost his job, I started feeling really sick and emotional- all the cliche` bullshit.
Actually, that's all bullshit. I had been taking pregnancy tests for weeks. I was paranoid my pill wouldn't work after my mom realized I was taking the same pill she was on when she got pregnant with me. It was one of these random pregnancy tests that unexpectedly produced 2 pink lines. I was in shock. I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know this guy! We had been dating 8 months and I was PREGNANT!
I walked out of the bathroom, threw the test and him and walked out. I called my mom.
After I moved out I would see her when I could and we eventually made friends to go see my mom for the summer between Junior and Senior year. My mom bought our tickets and her parents said it was fine. The people I was living with were encouraging my relationship with my mom but cautious of my friend because of what my dad had told them. They told my grandmother my plans and she told my dad, who flipped out. He did everything he could to stop it and eventually succeeded in getting me kicked out from the house I was staying at.
I went to stay with my best friend as soon as school was out. I was happy! I was back where I belonged. But I knew my dad would never let me live there, I had no choice but move cross country with my mom. My best friend and I flew down together and she stayed for 3 weeks. Watching her leave was a mixture of emotions. My heart was breaking, not knowing when I would see her again and part of me wishing I could go with her. Another part of me was ready for a fresh start. Then another part of me was numb to the fact I had walked out on 3 years of hard work at my old school. I left without a word. I was going to start over at a brand new school for my SENIOR year of High School.
I found a new church within weeks of moving. It helped me make friends before starting school in the fall. But when I went to school, they told me the requirements were different between states and I would have to go 2 more years instead of 1 to finish with Honors like I had planned. WHAT! I was advised to withdraw and begin home schooling under the curriculum of my previous school- there went my Senior year. I hadn't been allowed to go to my Junior prom and now wouldn't go to any Senior prom, walk at graduation or do anything I had so looked forward to. I was heart broken. But I did what I had to do. I was going to graduate.
I did a semester of classes online. I made straight A's. Right before Thanksgiving, something went wrong with my mom's business and we lost our house. My mom's boyfriend had turned into an asshole a few weeks before- mainly out of jealousy that I had moved in? So I ended up renting a room at a random lady's house. I got a job serving at a local restaurant and continued working on my classes.
Right after New Years I was informed I could take the GED anytime and finish classes all together. WHAT? I wasn't getting my GED, I was getting a Diploma- RIGHT? No, wrong. I was taking GED Prep classes via the states virtual school. I quit classes immediately. No point in wasting any more of my time. I would just take the GED when I could...
I ended up meeting a guy at work. We really hit it off. This was my 1st boyfriend! The people I lived with had a 16 year old daughter- who was pregnant. And they were terrified of me getting pregnant in their house. WE WEREN'T EVEN HAVING SEX! They just made life very awkward. It became quite clear it was time for me to move out. After a huge blow out I moved in with a couple from church and stopped seeing my boyfriend. We still talked on the phone almost daily and saw each other maybe 4 times in 2 months. I knew he was probably cheating on me, but I didn't think we were going to last so I didn't really care.
He got into a car accident and spent 10 days in the hospital. Everything changed after that. We knew we wanted to be together. We knew he couldn't go back to the party house he was staying at and he couldn't stay with me! So my mom let him stay with her- I couldn't stay there because I was relying on the bus to get to work and there was no bus where my mom lived. So I would go over there on weekends. Our relationship got more serious with every passing day and we eventually started having sex. I got on the pill and figured I had nothing to worry about-- right??
After a few weeks we bought a car and got our own apartment. He got a job and life was going good. He was on probation for the car accident (DUI) and lost his license. That complicated things but we made it work. Then, he was fired from his job after they accused him of stealing. Since he was on probation he didn't fight it and just walked away. Right after he lost his job, I started feeling really sick and emotional- all the cliche` bullshit.
Actually, that's all bullshit. I had been taking pregnancy tests for weeks. I was paranoid my pill wouldn't work after my mom realized I was taking the same pill she was on when she got pregnant with me. It was one of these random pregnancy tests that unexpectedly produced 2 pink lines. I was in shock. I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know this guy! We had been dating 8 months and I was PREGNANT!
I walked out of the bathroom, threw the test and him and walked out. I called my mom.
Mommy Dearest
My mom and I are close. We always have been. Our relationship is very emotional... we get very upset and tend it take it out on each other. But we talk. We have always just had deep long meaningful conversations that last for hours. I can remember on more than one occasion sitting up until 3-4am just talking to her (once I was about 9, again when I was 13 and several times as an adult). We just click. We are a lot alike... which is why we sometimes don't get along.
When we fight, we FIGHT. It used to get physical. From ages 7-14 I was just a brat. I was awful. I don't know how she put up with me. I really don't. (She couldn't- that's why she would send me to live with my dad.) Not that she was weak, she was exhausted! She would send me to my room, I would just jump out the window. She couldn't control me. I was so angry! And for what? WHY?? Because my mom had another baby. I guess I really was not ready to stop being the baby.
How fucking ridiculous is that? I probably ruined my mothers life because I was JEALOUS?? What the hell is wrong with me? My mom always says my little brother's dad is the man she should be with today. And I ruined that relationship. She'll never say so, she always says they were just at two different places in life blah blah blah- which is probably a little true but I know I caused a lot of stress in their relationship.
They met at a party, I think? They were friends first, for a looong time. Years. They would play basketball, tennis, go out together. But they were just friends. And honestly I don't think I ever really met him until my mom got pregnant with my little brother? Or I don't really remember him before that. He was a good guy. He was nice. But... he wasn't my dad. And I didn't like how he came in acting like he was the MAN OF THE HOUSE. I knew damn well he would be gone soon enough anyway so I wanted him gone now. I liked it just the 3 of us. And then....
"They're having a baby! So it's never going to be just the 3 of us again. But ok... ok, if the baby's a girl everything would be fine! My mom can ditch this guy like she did both our dad's and we can find a nice guy with 3 boys and she can marry him- then we'd be like the Brady Bunch!"
No, I'm not kidding I really thought that. Well, it wasn't a girl. I was pissed! Like it was their fault or something. (I'm crazy. I have to be crazy.) And I made their lives a living hell. I was a brat! I threw tantrums, refused to do my home work or chores, disobeyed whenever I could. So my mom would send me to live with my dad. I would cry everytime I came to visit and beg to come home, promising her I would be good. So finally she would take me back and within months the same crap all over again. No wonder she had a nervous breakdown.
After my step-dad left the last thing she needed was another kid, but she took in my step-brother without question. We had been waiting for this day for years! We loved him and wanted him to be a part of our family so that we never had to deal with my dad and step-mother again. But the courts don't work that way. My father and step-mother were in and out of jail, DUI's every other month, constant disturbance calls to their home, a child removed for negligence and still nothing happened to them. My mom slipped up and got ONE DUI and was thrown in and out of jail for MONTHS over their 'technical errors' then no explanation or apology when they would just release her after days or weeks being locked up for NO reason.
That's why she didn't call. She only went to Texas for a week and then she spent 6 months on house arrest about an hour from my dad's house. Then she moved to Florida with a guy- wait for it.... she met online. And he was a really good guy- at first. He supported her while she started a business but when she started making money, he just stopped working.
This whole time I think she is in Texas. I have no way to even attempt of getting ahold of her. After I moved into my friend's house, I clearly heard the voice of God for the 1st time. While reading my Bible the words "CALL YOUR MOTHER" repeated in my head over and over. I hadn't really thought about her much- it made me sad, so I tried not to. I didn't even know how to find her! So I actually had my uncle (my mom's biological brother- she was adopted... yet another story for another day) and got my mom's birth mother's number. My mom had found her birth mother a few years before all this happened so I had a feeling if anyone knew where she was, it would be her mom.
She gave me a phone number. It took me a few weeks to build the courage to call. When I finally did a guy answered. I simply spoke my mother's name.
"Huh?"
"Is she there."
"I'm sorry she's aslee-"
I hung up. It took almost 2 weeks for me to try again. She answered on the 3rd ring. "Hello?"
"Mom?"
"Honey?"
"WHY DID YOU LEAVE?"
We talked for 4 hours and she explained her side: After being released from jail, my father's mother called and told her to leave. Basically threatened her. My mom was scared. She had been thrown in jail twice already for technical errors and lost paperwork. She didn't want to go back again- which she would anyway. She needed a place to serve her house arrest and she couldn't provide that so she felt the best thing for us was to go with our dad. She had hoped he had changed- he was supposedly sober at the time. She was wrong.
It's not her fault and I know that. But, that man almost ruined me. He still haunts me. I don't know if I'll ever get over what he did to me. I'm trying.
My mom was the ONLY person there for me when I found myself 19 & Pregnant. I didn't get a show though. I had to deal with reality: The father of my child may not want to be a part of our lives or worse he would not be a good enough father; I had no job, living in my mom's trailer. And the 2 of them did NOT get along. They would fake it on the weekends he would come stay while we weren't fighting. But then he and I would fight, and she would have to stand back and watch me cry and scream and threaten to leave him, but know I would be right back with him the next day having the exact same argument again. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been.
The hardest part of parenting is not only realizing, but accepting that not everyone loves your child as much as you do.
We fought my ENTIRE pregnancy. Pretty much weekly. And she was there. Through it all. In the hospital when they thought I was miscarrying time after time, going to the corner store for whatever craving I was having and even forcing me to eat when I couldn't stomach anything for days on end. She was there every step of the way. She would subtly warn me about how hard it was going to be to finally break away from him in the end.... and I can happily say that's one of the very few things she was wrong about.
I was one of the lucky ones. The father of my child did step up. And he's a great dad. My son is so blessed to have him as a role model. And, while he is not perfect... he's a good man and husband. He works hard to provide for us regardless of the situation and is always there to calm me when I'm freaking out. I don't know how he's put up with me for 5 years.
And they have a good relationship now. She likes him. She sees that he really has changed. She has always been good to him, even when she didn't like him. (At the beginning of our relationship he got in a car accident and spent 10 days in the hospital... she let him move in with her afterwards when he had nowhere else to go. She fed him, paid for his pain medicine and even bought him an electronic cigarette to help him quit smoking.) She once told him, "As long as you keep my daughter happy I will keep you happy." She sees that even after everything we are good for each other.
This is one of the hardest blogs I've had to write. I hate admitting I'm wrong. And I hope if anything if clear it's that I am admitting I was wrong. I was a spoiled little brat and the people around me do not deserve how I've treated them. I'm not proud of it- not even a little bit. I hate how I acted, I hate the child I was and even more I hate the woman I'm becoming.
Karma is exactly what they say she is. What goes around comes right back around. I made my mothers life hell so my father made my life hell.
When we fight, we FIGHT. It used to get physical. From ages 7-14 I was just a brat. I was awful. I don't know how she put up with me. I really don't. (She couldn't- that's why she would send me to live with my dad.) Not that she was weak, she was exhausted! She would send me to my room, I would just jump out the window. She couldn't control me. I was so angry! And for what? WHY?? Because my mom had another baby. I guess I really was not ready to stop being the baby.
How fucking ridiculous is that? I probably ruined my mothers life because I was JEALOUS?? What the hell is wrong with me? My mom always says my little brother's dad is the man she should be with today. And I ruined that relationship. She'll never say so, she always says they were just at two different places in life blah blah blah- which is probably a little true but I know I caused a lot of stress in their relationship.
They met at a party, I think? They were friends first, for a looong time. Years. They would play basketball, tennis, go out together. But they were just friends. And honestly I don't think I ever really met him until my mom got pregnant with my little brother? Or I don't really remember him before that. He was a good guy. He was nice. But... he wasn't my dad. And I didn't like how he came in acting like he was the MAN OF THE HOUSE. I knew damn well he would be gone soon enough anyway so I wanted him gone now. I liked it just the 3 of us. And then....
"They're having a baby! So it's never going to be just the 3 of us again. But ok... ok, if the baby's a girl everything would be fine! My mom can ditch this guy like she did both our dad's and we can find a nice guy with 3 boys and she can marry him- then we'd be like the Brady Bunch!"
No, I'm not kidding I really thought that. Well, it wasn't a girl. I was pissed! Like it was their fault or something. (I'm crazy. I have to be crazy.) And I made their lives a living hell. I was a brat! I threw tantrums, refused to do my home work or chores, disobeyed whenever I could. So my mom would send me to live with my dad. I would cry everytime I came to visit and beg to come home, promising her I would be good. So finally she would take me back and within months the same crap all over again. No wonder she had a nervous breakdown.
After my step-dad left the last thing she needed was another kid, but she took in my step-brother without question. We had been waiting for this day for years! We loved him and wanted him to be a part of our family so that we never had to deal with my dad and step-mother again. But the courts don't work that way. My father and step-mother were in and out of jail, DUI's every other month, constant disturbance calls to their home, a child removed for negligence and still nothing happened to them. My mom slipped up and got ONE DUI and was thrown in and out of jail for MONTHS over their 'technical errors' then no explanation or apology when they would just release her after days or weeks being locked up for NO reason.
That's why she didn't call. She only went to Texas for a week and then she spent 6 months on house arrest about an hour from my dad's house. Then she moved to Florida with a guy- wait for it.... she met online. And he was a really good guy- at first. He supported her while she started a business but when she started making money, he just stopped working.
This whole time I think she is in Texas. I have no way to even attempt of getting ahold of her. After I moved into my friend's house, I clearly heard the voice of God for the 1st time. While reading my Bible the words "CALL YOUR MOTHER" repeated in my head over and over. I hadn't really thought about her much- it made me sad, so I tried not to. I didn't even know how to find her! So I actually had my uncle (my mom's biological brother- she was adopted... yet another story for another day) and got my mom's birth mother's number. My mom had found her birth mother a few years before all this happened so I had a feeling if anyone knew where she was, it would be her mom.
She gave me a phone number. It took me a few weeks to build the courage to call. When I finally did a guy answered. I simply spoke my mother's name.
"Huh?"
"Is she there."
"I'm sorry she's aslee-"
I hung up. It took almost 2 weeks for me to try again. She answered on the 3rd ring. "Hello?"
"Mom?"
"Honey?"
"WHY DID YOU LEAVE?"
We talked for 4 hours and she explained her side: After being released from jail, my father's mother called and told her to leave. Basically threatened her. My mom was scared. She had been thrown in jail twice already for technical errors and lost paperwork. She didn't want to go back again- which she would anyway. She needed a place to serve her house arrest and she couldn't provide that so she felt the best thing for us was to go with our dad. She had hoped he had changed- he was supposedly sober at the time. She was wrong.
It's not her fault and I know that. But, that man almost ruined me. He still haunts me. I don't know if I'll ever get over what he did to me. I'm trying.
My mom was the ONLY person there for me when I found myself 19 & Pregnant. I didn't get a show though. I had to deal with reality: The father of my child may not want to be a part of our lives or worse he would not be a good enough father; I had no job, living in my mom's trailer. And the 2 of them did NOT get along. They would fake it on the weekends he would come stay while we weren't fighting. But then he and I would fight, and she would have to stand back and watch me cry and scream and threaten to leave him, but know I would be right back with him the next day having the exact same argument again. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been.
The hardest part of parenting is not only realizing, but accepting that not everyone loves your child as much as you do.
We fought my ENTIRE pregnancy. Pretty much weekly. And she was there. Through it all. In the hospital when they thought I was miscarrying time after time, going to the corner store for whatever craving I was having and even forcing me to eat when I couldn't stomach anything for days on end. She was there every step of the way. She would subtly warn me about how hard it was going to be to finally break away from him in the end.... and I can happily say that's one of the very few things she was wrong about.
I was one of the lucky ones. The father of my child did step up. And he's a great dad. My son is so blessed to have him as a role model. And, while he is not perfect... he's a good man and husband. He works hard to provide for us regardless of the situation and is always there to calm me when I'm freaking out. I don't know how he's put up with me for 5 years.
And they have a good relationship now. She likes him. She sees that he really has changed. She has always been good to him, even when she didn't like him. (At the beginning of our relationship he got in a car accident and spent 10 days in the hospital... she let him move in with her afterwards when he had nowhere else to go. She fed him, paid for his pain medicine and even bought him an electronic cigarette to help him quit smoking.) She once told him, "As long as you keep my daughter happy I will keep you happy." She sees that even after everything we are good for each other.
This is one of the hardest blogs I've had to write. I hate admitting I'm wrong. And I hope if anything if clear it's that I am admitting I was wrong. I was a spoiled little brat and the people around me do not deserve how I've treated them. I'm not proud of it- not even a little bit. I hate how I acted, I hate the child I was and even more I hate the woman I'm becoming.
Karma is exactly what they say she is. What goes around comes right back around. I made my mothers life hell so my father made my life hell.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Family Ties
My sister is about 3.5 yrs older than me. She was the perfect child. I looked up to her my entire life. Whatever she wanted to do, I wanted to do it too. She joined Girl Scouts- so did I. She got interested in marine biology, I decided my favorite animal was a dolphin. She took a photography class, I spent my allowance on disposable camera's. She was a Senior in High School when my mom had her nervous breakdown. She had just started dating her 1st boyfriend- who my mother did not approve of. But we were a close family. My mom always made sure to talk to us about everything! We were really open about a lot of things. There is very little I cannot talk to my mom about- and I love that! Being a single mom of 3 kids you have to approach everything openly and have trust within your home and we did. We were a team. When my sister started dating a guy that lied to her it was hard for my mom to sit back and watch it happen right in front of her. It's hard to see your children make their own mistakes... especially if they're mistakes you made too. Eventually, there was a falling out and my sister decided to move in with her boyfriend. Our lives were never the same. My sister hasn't spoken to my mother since May 2003. Even after I reconnected with her after 4 yrs, she refused to speak to her. It took my little brother some time but he eventually realized missing his mom was more important than being angry over something he didn't even understand. They see eachother a few times a yr now but my sister won't even thank her for gifts. My sister gave birth to her 1st child last year and hasn't let my mom even meet her yet! We were a very strong family.... how have we fallen so far apart?
My little brother is 7 yrs younger than me. He was born the day I started kindergarten. I was already furious with his existance simply because he was a boy- I wanted a girl. I didn't really like his dad and he didn't like me- we were both clear on that. Looking back, that's one thing I truly feel bad about. My little brother's dad is a good man.... I was awful to him. But at the time he wasn't really a good guy. He was an alcoholic druggie. He only came home when he ran out of money. But when he was home, he was sober. And when he was sober, he was a great guy. I have lots of fond memories of him- he made life fun. One time our electricity went out (I can't remember if we hadn't paid the bill or it was a storm) but instead of being angry, he pitched a tent in the living room and we 'camped out'. One of the best nights we had as a family. My little brother is just like his dad. He's a great kid! Ever since he was a little boy his dream has been to join the Army. His room was Camoflauged for several years, Army men scattered the floors of every room, he was always shooting and hiding from 'Charlie'. His favorite movie at the age of 5 was Saving Private Ryan. About a year ago, my little brother (now 16) was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. When he realized that meant he couldn't join the Army after graduation he was crushed. He still hasn't fully accepted it. He played baseball for over 10 yrs and he's really good at it. He's funny, smart and caring. That kid has a heart of gold. He wouldn't intentionally hurt you to save his life. I love him and truly wish we were closer. He and my sister have always been very close- she basically raised him. And after my mom split and I moved in with my dad I really didn't see them much... and I've lived out of state for the last 6 yrs.
My step-brother is 3 months older than me. He was my best friend growing up- he still is. I love him with all my heart. I would have never made it through those years without him by my side. He understands me inside & out. He can make me laugh without even saying a word. He is the one person who truly understands me. He knows me better than anyone and I would trust him with everything but my money. My step-brother is a drug addict. He was born into drugs- why are we even remotely surprised? He was caught trying to set his bed on fire when he was 6, stealing at 8, started smoking at 11, weed by 13 and from there I can only imagine. I was no part of this. He tried to get me to smoke weed with him a few times in High School but I only tried it maybe twice- and never got high. When he was kicked out of High School I knew it was only a matter of time before he was kicked out of the house. He got his GED pretty quickly and didn't have much trouble finding a job. He worked for several months and handed every check directly to his mother who 'deposited it in the bank for him'. Finally he demanded he have use over his checking account and surprisingly enough they gave in. Within days the several thousands of dollars he had saved were gone. "ON WHAT?" He didn't know. After a few days of nonstop fighting, he left. He snuck back to my bedroom window and apologized for leaving me there... but he had to get out. I understand, I wanted out too. But I felt stuck. He knew how hard my life would be with him gone. He was my only protection from my father. And he did everything he could to take the worst of it while he was there. Without him... I was my fathers only target.
My little brother is 7 yrs younger than me. He was born the day I started kindergarten. I was already furious with his existance simply because he was a boy- I wanted a girl. I didn't really like his dad and he didn't like me- we were both clear on that. Looking back, that's one thing I truly feel bad about. My little brother's dad is a good man.... I was awful to him. But at the time he wasn't really a good guy. He was an alcoholic druggie. He only came home when he ran out of money. But when he was home, he was sober. And when he was sober, he was a great guy. I have lots of fond memories of him- he made life fun. One time our electricity went out (I can't remember if we hadn't paid the bill or it was a storm) but instead of being angry, he pitched a tent in the living room and we 'camped out'. One of the best nights we had as a family. My little brother is just like his dad. He's a great kid! Ever since he was a little boy his dream has been to join the Army. His room was Camoflauged for several years, Army men scattered the floors of every room, he was always shooting and hiding from 'Charlie'. His favorite movie at the age of 5 was Saving Private Ryan. About a year ago, my little brother (now 16) was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. When he realized that meant he couldn't join the Army after graduation he was crushed. He still hasn't fully accepted it. He played baseball for over 10 yrs and he's really good at it. He's funny, smart and caring. That kid has a heart of gold. He wouldn't intentionally hurt you to save his life. I love him and truly wish we were closer. He and my sister have always been very close- she basically raised him. And after my mom split and I moved in with my dad I really didn't see them much... and I've lived out of state for the last 6 yrs.
My step-brother is 3 months older than me. He was my best friend growing up- he still is. I love him with all my heart. I would have never made it through those years without him by my side. He understands me inside & out. He can make me laugh without even saying a word. He is the one person who truly understands me. He knows me better than anyone and I would trust him with everything but my money. My step-brother is a drug addict. He was born into drugs- why are we even remotely surprised? He was caught trying to set his bed on fire when he was 6, stealing at 8, started smoking at 11, weed by 13 and from there I can only imagine. I was no part of this. He tried to get me to smoke weed with him a few times in High School but I only tried it maybe twice- and never got high. When he was kicked out of High School I knew it was only a matter of time before he was kicked out of the house. He got his GED pretty quickly and didn't have much trouble finding a job. He worked for several months and handed every check directly to his mother who 'deposited it in the bank for him'. Finally he demanded he have use over his checking account and surprisingly enough they gave in. Within days the several thousands of dollars he had saved were gone. "ON WHAT?" He didn't know. After a few days of nonstop fighting, he left. He snuck back to my bedroom window and apologized for leaving me there... but he had to get out. I understand, I wanted out too. But I felt stuck. He knew how hard my life would be with him gone. He was my only protection from my father. And he did everything he could to take the worst of it while he was there. Without him... I was my fathers only target.
A Child Called It
I read the book A Child Called It for a project in the 10th grade. My biggest mistake? Leaving it on my dresser for my dad to see.
He read it.
He LEARNED from it.
He said that the author of the book was nothing but a pansy. He was going to teach me not to be one. He made me take shots of liquid dish soap, tablespoons full of salt, snort sugar. He loved slamming my calves & shins with broom handles. I spent at least 4 weekends locked in the bathroom- twice with a bath tub full of bleach & ammonia... he timed me to see how long I would pass out and when I woke up my stomach hurt like hell. I'm not sure but I think he cracked one of my ribs because it didn't stop hurting for weeks.
My step-mom wasn't any better. She in an evil bitch and I despise her with every bone in my body. She egged him on. One of my first memories of her is her yanking me awake out of the top bunk by my hair on one of my weekend visits and beating me mercilessly with a fly swatter. (She swore I had been talking.)
She also encouraged him to lock me on the balcony overnight just weeks before I told my therapist about what was really happening at home. He had held me by my ankle over the railing for a full minute, my nightgown slipping up over my head revealing my young body to the dead night, before tossing me to the balcony floor and laughing. I remember thanking God there was no snow that Christmas.
I remember one time when my dad was serving one of his several jail sentences, I was forced to go for the weekend. (They told my mom he was 'working'.) I had pneumonia and really did not want to go. Since I was sick she sent my step-brother to spend the night with a friend and confined me to the couch. Imagine my surprise when I woke up in the middle of the night to her returning from the bar with a guy- who was not my dad. He spent the next 2 nights until she took me to meet my mom. I never mentioned her affair to anyone but her son.
My father was a brilliant man. (Both he and my mother both!) I'm not sure my dad ever lost at Jeopardy or Chess. He could remember almost any fact he ever heard and had one hell of an ear for music. But he used his intelligence for the wrong reasons: How to NOT get caught. He hit me in places he knew would be hidden by my clothing- and if it wasn't? I had to change my outfit. He knew when to keep his voice down- he didn't parade around shrieking for the neighborhood to hear (unless it was a drunken argument with his wife, but not ever with me). My father used to say, "Don't worry about me when I'm being loud... get worried when I go quiet." That could not be more true. My biggest fear during those years was the silence before an attack.
He played mind games constantly. Try to convince me that everything was fine and then snap at the last second, trying to catch me off guard. The first couple of times I actually caught myself thinking maybe it was all ending... maybe I would have an actual dad after all. But he always snapped. So I stayed busy. I was rarely home. No one ever came to my house. I was dropped off down the street so that people wouldn't even know which house was mine. No one knew my phone number. I never had a boyfriend.
He read it.
He LEARNED from it.
He said that the author of the book was nothing but a pansy. He was going to teach me not to be one. He made me take shots of liquid dish soap, tablespoons full of salt, snort sugar. He loved slamming my calves & shins with broom handles. I spent at least 4 weekends locked in the bathroom- twice with a bath tub full of bleach & ammonia... he timed me to see how long I would pass out and when I woke up my stomach hurt like hell. I'm not sure but I think he cracked one of my ribs because it didn't stop hurting for weeks.
My step-mom wasn't any better. She in an evil bitch and I despise her with every bone in my body. She egged him on. One of my first memories of her is her yanking me awake out of the top bunk by my hair on one of my weekend visits and beating me mercilessly with a fly swatter. (She swore I had been talking.)
She also encouraged him to lock me on the balcony overnight just weeks before I told my therapist about what was really happening at home. He had held me by my ankle over the railing for a full minute, my nightgown slipping up over my head revealing my young body to the dead night, before tossing me to the balcony floor and laughing. I remember thanking God there was no snow that Christmas.
I remember one time when my dad was serving one of his several jail sentences, I was forced to go for the weekend. (They told my mom he was 'working'.) I had pneumonia and really did not want to go. Since I was sick she sent my step-brother to spend the night with a friend and confined me to the couch. Imagine my surprise when I woke up in the middle of the night to her returning from the bar with a guy- who was not my dad. He spent the next 2 nights until she took me to meet my mom. I never mentioned her affair to anyone but her son.
My father was a brilliant man. (Both he and my mother both!) I'm not sure my dad ever lost at Jeopardy or Chess. He could remember almost any fact he ever heard and had one hell of an ear for music. But he used his intelligence for the wrong reasons: How to NOT get caught. He hit me in places he knew would be hidden by my clothing- and if it wasn't? I had to change my outfit. He knew when to keep his voice down- he didn't parade around shrieking for the neighborhood to hear (unless it was a drunken argument with his wife, but not ever with me). My father used to say, "Don't worry about me when I'm being loud... get worried when I go quiet." That could not be more true. My biggest fear during those years was the silence before an attack.
He played mind games constantly. Try to convince me that everything was fine and then snap at the last second, trying to catch me off guard. The first couple of times I actually caught myself thinking maybe it was all ending... maybe I would have an actual dad after all. But he always snapped. So I stayed busy. I was rarely home. No one ever came to my house. I was dropped off down the street so that people wouldn't even know which house was mine. No one knew my phone number. I never had a boyfriend.
"I didn't take a class in college called PARENTING 101"
No, really? I hated when he said this to me. Now that I'm raising a hyperactive toddler, I do see where he was coming from. But let's have some common sense Buddy. While I understand no one tells you HOW to be a parent, you should know there are certain things you just don't do!
He did everything in his power to break me. And I hope he's happy to know he succeeded. I hate who I am. I cannot stand the woman I've become. I see my parents in everything I do and that disgusts me. I don't want to be like them. I want to prove them WRONG. But everyday I fail more & more. And... I don't know how to fix it.
Life with my father was impossible. I did nothing right. If I brought home a 95% on a test, he wanted to know why it wasn't 100%. He called me a freak for having no friends and a slut for never being home. I was forced into a wardrobe of his approval, hair & make up to his discretion. When I could finally talk him into taking me to get my hair cut, he picked the cut. The only make up I was allowed to wear came from what HE bought. Yeah, I was one fly teenage girl.
I have always been a little heavy. No, not 'obese'. I'm short. If I grew a couple inches it would even out but at 5'3 my 170lbs looks more like 200lbs. My father limited what I ate. I was on the grapefruit diet for almost 3 yrs- I fucking hate grape fruit. I was not given lunch money many weeks to 'save calories'. I was forced into many activities to 'whip my ass into shape' and soon began joining whatever I could to simply beat him to making me do it.
I hated myself. I still do. I hate my body. One of my fathers favorite 'games' was making me stand in front of the mirror and scream everything I disliked about myself at my reflection. For hours. It was during one of these sessions that he snuck up behind me and chopped my pony tail for mentioning I didn't like my hair.
"Better?"
How do you please a man that isn't happy with himself? You can't. My father was a miserable man. He would not rest until everyone around him was just as miserable. Now, yesars later I still battle with that misery... the insecurity... the self loathing. It's not even so much I hate ME. I see him in me and I hate HIM.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Chapter Three
We ended up losing our house. My sister and I threw together a garage sale and sold what we cold, donated what we couldn't. She moved in with her boyfriend, my step-brother & I stayed with friends to finish out the school year and my little brother moved in with his dad.
When my mom was released from jail she just kind of disappeared. I had heard she went to Texas but... we didn't know anyone in Texas.
The school year ended and we had no choice but to move back in with Dad. My best friend's dad tried to get custody of me. He even talked to my dad about it. But he wouldn't have it.
I was furious with my mother for leaving me with him. I felt like I was the only one she should have been responsible for! My sister was 18 and my brothers were going back to their dad's houses! We had talked about getting a little apartment just the 2 of us... I really did not want to switch schools.
Moving in with him the summer before my Freshman year of High School SUCKED! My step-brother and I were in the same grade, and he was back at his old school- with some kids I had gone to school with when I lived there. But I didn't really feel like I fit in. I missed my old friends.
I didn't start to enjoy any part of my new school until I got sucked into the Theater program. It became my 2nd home. My fellow Thespians became my family. I did every production my High School offered from the 2nd semester of 9th grade thru the end of 11th grade. Without Theater, I would not have made it through High School.
I always wore long sleeves. Always. I tried to explain it away as a fashion statement- I would wear scarves that matched and layer my clothing. It almost became a trend with my friends- everyone began doing it! People would take my scarf of the day in the hallway and pass it around and I would always get it back at the end of the day in last period Drama class.
It took a while for people to pick up on the fact the long sleeves were hiding evidence. Three of the greatest people I will ever know took it upon themselves to go talk to our Director about it. At the time, I was furious! HOW COULD THEY? My Director pulled me into her office and asked me to pull up my sleeves. When I refused she said she would have to make an anonymous tip to Child Protective Services if I didn't reassure her I was alright. I tried. I told her I was fine and there was nothing to worry about.
'I taught you how to act, do you really think you can fool me?'
I was called to the office the next afternoon for an interview with Child Protective Services. Thankfully she didn't make me pull up my sleeves and I lied through my teeth to get out of it. But they had already called my dad to 'check in'.
I spent that weekend locked in the bathroom.
Home life between 2004-2006 was unbearable. I did everything I could to stay out. I was in every play, club and committee possible. I volunteered at every event and went to every game. I got to school an hour early and was rarely home before dark. Weekends were spent with friends, activities or spent at Nana's. I was always on the Honor Roll and had perfect attendance- I'm not sure bleeding from my eye balls would have kept me home with my father.
At the beginning of my Junior year I also started going to church, mainly because it took up some more time. I went every Wednesday night and all day Sunday. I soon started spending weekends with the friend that invited me to church to begin with with- she was my ride to everything. Her parents quickly figured out there was something not right at home. They spent as much time as they could letting me know I was welcome and loved in their home. They will NEVER know how much I truly appreciated that- still to this day their love and support means so much to me.
My dad probably worked a total of 3 months the 2.5 yrs I lived with him in High School. I remember one evening getting home from a club meeting and he was clearly wasted, stumbling to make himself another drink. He beckoned me to help him and ended up ranting until he passed out about how he was supposed to start work that morning but got stuck in traffic and fired. He was pitiful.
Around Halloween of 11th grade, my step-brother got expelled. He was trying to sell weed in school and got caught. But wait, there's more. HE WAS TRYING TO SELL FAKE WEED! And got caught because the kid he sold it to was mad he got ripped off! My parents made him get his GED and a job, which he did. But soon kicked him out for wanting too much independence.
After my brother left, life became... HELL. My father was unbelievable! He became a control freak. He would pick out my clothes before I left the house, constantly calling me a slut and warning me not to get pregnant. I did not own a pair of shorts or even a skirt. I RARELY wore short sleeves. I wore very light make up, unless during a show- which he let me know looked awful. He would come to my shows just to tell me how horrible they were. These were High School plays and he wasn't happy with the range of our lead male vocalist! He showed up drunk and embarrassed me every time.
Right before Thanksgiving of 11th grade, I reached my breaking point. That Sunday we had an awesome service at church. The power of God fell in a way I had never felt before... nor since. My friends mom pulled me aside to pray with me and I felt God speak to me. At one point, maybe even without realizing it, she prayed, "Lord I pray you protect this girl and stop whoever is hurting her... before it's too late." They could tell it was getting worse- and it was getting uncontrollable. It wasn't just fun and games anymore, my father was trying to hurt me.
The next day I went home after school. It was a very rare day that I did not have something going on, and after the long weekend I was hoping to take a nap. My dad was drunk. I knew it was going to be a long night from the second I walked in. But I heard my friends mothers voice in my head ".. before it's too late .." I made a promise to myself right then and there that man would never hit me again.
Soon he began to scream at me about something I couldn't even tell you if my life depended on it. Within seconds he was flying across the house at me. I jumped up and screamed, "NO MORE!" so fast it startled him back into his seat. By the time he realized what was happening I was out the back door and down the block. He tried yelling after me, but I would never return to that house again.
I ran across the busy street with no shoes or coat the week before Thanksgiving. Thankfully I had change from lunch in my pocket and I called my friend from church. She and her mom came to pick me up. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. They reassured me I wouldn't have to go back to him, but I had heard that before. This time... they were right.
Somehow they convinced my dad to let me stay with them. At the end of the week, I think I had my 1st nervous breakdown. I cried and slept for 3 days straight. But when I woke up... the world was a bright new place. I could do whatever I wanted. I let the bruises heal and didn't wear long sleeves again for several years.
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