Mommy Dearest

My mom and I are close. We always have been. Our relationship is very emotional... we get very upset and tend it take it out on each other. But we talk. We have always just had deep long meaningful conversations that last for hours. I can remember on more than one occasion sitting up until 3-4am just talking to her (once I was about 9, again when I was 13 and several times as an adult). We just click. We are a lot alike... which is why we sometimes don't get along.

When we fight, we FIGHT. It used to get physical. From ages 7-14 I was just a brat. I was awful. I don't know how she put up with me. I really don't. (She couldn't- that's why she would send me to live with my dad.) Not that she was weak, she was exhausted! She would send me to my room, I would just jump out the window. She couldn't control me. I was so angry! And for what? WHY?? Because my mom had another baby. I guess I really was not ready to stop being the baby.

How fucking ridiculous is that? I probably ruined my mothers life because I was JEALOUS?? What the hell is wrong with me? My mom always says my little brother's dad is the man she should be with today. And I ruined that relationship. She'll never say so, she always says they were just at two different places in life blah blah blah- which is probably a little true but I know I caused a lot of stress in their relationship.

They met at a party, I think? They were friends first, for a looong time. Years. They would play basketball, tennis, go out together. But they were just friends. And honestly I don't think I ever really met him until my mom got pregnant with my little brother? Or I don't really remember him before that. He was a good guy. He was nice. But... he wasn't my dad. And I didn't like how he came in acting like he was the MAN OF THE HOUSE. I knew damn well he would be gone soon enough anyway so I wanted him gone now. I liked it just the 3 of us. And then....

"They're having a baby! So it's never going to be just the 3 of us again. But ok... ok, if the baby's a girl everything would be fine! My mom can ditch this guy like she did both our dad's and we can find a nice guy with 3 boys and she can marry him- then we'd be like the Brady Bunch!"

No, I'm not kidding I really thought that. Well, it wasn't a girl. I was pissed! Like it was their fault or something. (I'm crazy. I have to be crazy.) And I made their lives a living hell. I was a brat! I threw tantrums, refused to do my home work or chores, disobeyed whenever I could. So my mom would send me to live with my dad. I would cry everytime I came to visit and beg to come home, promising her I would be good. So finally she would take me back and within months the same crap all over again. No wonder she had a nervous breakdown.


After my step-dad left the last thing she needed was another kid, but she took in my step-brother without question. We had been waiting for this day for years! We loved him and wanted him to be a part of our family so that we never had to deal with my dad and step-mother again. But the courts don't work that way. My father and step-mother were in and out of jail, DUI's every other month, constant disturbance calls to their home, a child removed for negligence and still nothing happened to them. My mom slipped up and got ONE DUI and was thrown in and out of jail for MONTHS over their 'technical errors' then no explanation or apology when they would just release her after days or weeks being locked up for NO reason.


That's why she didn't call. She only went to Texas for a week and then she spent 6 months on house arrest about an hour from my dad's house. Then she moved to Florida with a guy- wait for it.... she met online. And he was a really good guy- at first. He supported her while she started a business but when she started making money, he just stopped working. 


This whole time I think she is in Texas. I have no way to even attempt of getting ahold of her. After I moved into my friend's house, I clearly heard the voice of God for the 1st time. While reading my Bible the words "CALL YOUR MOTHER" repeated in my head over and over. I hadn't really thought about her much- it made me sad, so I tried not to. I didn't even know how to find her! So I actually had my uncle (my mom's biological brother- she was adopted... yet another story for another day) and got my mom's birth mother's number. My mom had found her birth mother a few years before all this happened so I had a feeling if anyone knew where she was, it would be her mom. 


She gave me a phone number. It took me a few weeks to build the courage to call. When I finally did a guy answered. I simply spoke my mother's name. 
"Huh?" 
"Is she there." 
"I'm sorry she's aslee-"
I hung up. It took almost 2 weeks for me to try again. She answered on the 3rd ring. "Hello?"
"Mom?"
"Honey?"
"WHY DID YOU LEAVE?"
We talked for 4 hours and she explained her side: After being released from jail, my father's mother called and told her to leave. Basically threatened her. My mom was scared. She had been thrown in jail twice already for technical errors and lost paperwork. She didn't want to go back again- which she would anyway. She needed a place to serve her house arrest and she couldn't provide that so she felt the best thing for us was to go with our dad. She had hoped he had changed- he was supposedly sober at the time. She was wrong. 


It's not her fault and I know that. But, that man almost ruined me. He still haunts me. I don't know if I'll ever get over what he did to me. I'm trying. 


My mom was the ONLY person there for me when I found myself 19 & Pregnant. I didn't get a show though. I had to deal with reality: The father of my child may not want to be a part of our lives or worse he would not be a good enough father; I had no job, living in my mom's trailer. And the 2 of them did NOT get along. They would fake it on the weekends he would come stay while we weren't fighting. But then he and I would fight, and she would have to stand back and watch me cry and scream and threaten to leave him, but know I would be right back with him the next day having the exact same argument again. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been. 


The hardest part of parenting is not only realizing, but accepting that not everyone loves your child as much as you do. 



We fought my ENTIRE pregnancy. Pretty much weekly. And she was there. Through it all. In the hospital when they thought I was miscarrying time after time, going to the corner store for whatever craving I was having and even forcing me to eat when I couldn't stomach anything for days on end. She was there every step of the way. She would subtly warn me about how hard it was going to be to finally break away from him in the end.... and I can happily say that's one of the very few things she was wrong about.


I was one of the lucky ones. The father of my child did step up. And he's a great dad. My son is so blessed to have him as a role model. And, while he is not perfect... he's a good man and husband. He works hard to provide for us regardless of the situation and is always there to calm me when I'm freaking out. I don't know how he's put up with me for 5 years. 


And they have a good relationship now. She likes him. She sees that he really has changed. She has always been good to him, even when she didn't like him. (At the beginning of our relationship he got in a car accident and spent 10 days in the hospital... she let him move in with her afterwards when he had nowhere else to go. She fed him, paid for his pain medicine and even bought him an electronic cigarette to help him quit smoking.) She once told him, "As long as you keep my daughter happy I will keep you happy." She sees that even after everything we are good for each other. 

This is one of the hardest blogs I've had to write. I hate admitting I'm wrong. And I hope if anything if clear it's that I am admitting I was wrong. I was a spoiled little brat and the people around me do not deserve how I've treated them. I'm not proud of it- not even a little bit. I hate how I acted, I hate the child I was and even more I hate the woman I'm becoming. 


Karma is exactly what they say she is. What goes around comes right back around. I made my mothers life hell so my father made my life hell.