Daddy's Little Girl

My father wanted a boy. 


Well, according to my mother- my father wanted an abortion. He only let up when she refused by stating, "It better be a boy."


According to my father- my mother wanted an abortion, and he wouldn't let her. (Again, judging my from my own observations I find that hard to believe.) 


When they found out I was a girl I believe my father tried to terminate the pregnancy himself. Obviously it didn't work or you wouldn't be reading this.  

When I was a few months old I had pneumonia and my dad was in charge of giving me medicine while my mom was at work. Story goes, she got a panicked phone call from my dad screaming, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED SHE JUST TURNED BLUE." He had given me too much medicine and almost killed me. That was the last time my father had me alone as a baby. 

Daddy Daddy don't leave
I'll do anything to keep you
Right here with me
Can't you see how much I need you
(Frankie J - "Daddy's Little Girl")

I always wanted to be a Daddy's girl. I envied them. I wanted that father-daughter bond so badly. I heard this song when I was pregnant with my son and bawled my eyes out. I listened to it on repeat, crying until there were no tears left. 


Every person is born with 2 people who should love them no matter what. I never felt that love from my father. I have ONE fond memory of my father.... I was living with him briefly in kindergarten  and brought home a book from the library that he insisted I read to him.

I'll like you forever,

I'll love you for always.

As long as I'm living,

My baby you'll be.

He cried while I read it to him. I didn't understand why. Many years later as I read that same story to my own baby, I caught myself tearing up remembering this moment with my father and everything came full circle. I understand now. 

I try my hardest to live my life with no regrets. I try to live and learn. But my father is one relationship I have a hard time moving past. I'm working on it and honestly hoping this helps in some way.... I can't talk to my family about this. They can't accept the man he was. I have to. I can't live in a fantasy land. Telling myself he was a good man does not help me sleep at night. But if it works for them then... I'm happy for them.